Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My dick has a subreddit
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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