Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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