he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
