I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
