he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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