how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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