Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Text me some of your sweat
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