MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
