I feel great
I just peed on a car
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
