i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
