What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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