Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
