I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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