Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
