she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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