If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize