no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
