Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Acid is not a monday night drug
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
