Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
