i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
