No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
my being single is dangerous.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
