Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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