I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
