Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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