I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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