I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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