I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She announced her abortion via fbk
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The beer is more important than you right now.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
