Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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