Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
