I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
