I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
