just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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