My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
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