DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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