I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
