32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
