This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
