I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
