Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize