got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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