i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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