Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
