Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
