just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
