I murdered the dance floor call the cops
That's when you crack a 10am beer
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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