Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
