next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
