Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize