It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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