The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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