I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
