I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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