Your tits are I can't wait for
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
