She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize