The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
