hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
This house was built for laser tag.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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