I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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