I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
