the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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