We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
