Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
she peed on how many people?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
