I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
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