my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
