walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
God, I missed his penis.
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